I should eat better...Mmmh...I need to get more organised...
I should blog everyday -but its such a drag !?
I should clean up -Oh, done that (see "more organised").
I should, I should, I should..
The day is full of "shoulds". I've worked as a Dr for over 20 years, first as a family doctor and then as a shrink. Everyone is an expert in what they should do. They're oppressed by their expectations, plan a day of failure as they list their "to dos"- by they I mean we. Guilty as charged.
Several years ago I started working in prisons, kids and grown ups.
Now there's a group of people with a "to do" list. Trouble was, everyone else was writing their list for them. They were ignoring it because they had been told a gazillion times what people thought they should do. And knew, most likely, that they couldn't.
So there we would sit, with the prisoner wistfully rattling off that list, pretty disconnected from it, but trying to sound vaguely attached to it.
We both knew it was crap.
Well not completely, because on some level they didn't disagree with it, but it was such a long list, they were already in survival mode and really didn't know where to start.
Even if they did they did have a crack, they didn't have many resources to work with.
Hit RESET
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| Set my path. |
We came to an arrangement, let's not waste each other's time?
In stead I came up with another approach which seemed to meet it's mark.
Basically we set a path to "better" that came from a point that was relevant to them.
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| What do I have to notice? |
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| What's giving you the shits? |
What's giving you the shits?
Mmmh...dunno...being here (prison)...
OK, so how did you end up here? etc etc. What's been going wrong?
"Everything" was not an acceptable answer.
I'd get them to list their top three things of what was "giving them the shits" -sorry for the vernacular but it was actually important.
We were trying to tap into some fairly private self-conversations, the kind that are muttered under our breath.
It cuts to the chase of something with which we are pretty frustrated and certainly connected to. It's actually our top priority, has passion attached and always grabs the attention.
Invariably the problem was in the world not them, and if that changed all would be fine. Along with free drugs, and winning the lottery, or not getting caught in the first place.
"Do you really think that is going to happen? "I would counter.
Nope...
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| What do I need to sort? |
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| Bring it back 2 U, ask the Miracle Question... |
Question 2
Let's assume the world's not going to change...so if you were managing this better how would it be?
Now purveyors of fine therapy are going to start noticing this approach, it's a bodged version of Solution Focused Therapy.
The trick is to come up with everyday versions of "better", coded in behaviours and actions -no grand plans, just humble practical steps.
But having a blueprint of how it would look is important. In this style of therapy, to help the visualisation process along, practitioners ask a Miracle Question.
Blah, blah, blah...you go to bed...blah, blah, blah...while you are asleep a miracle happens and the problem that you brought here is solved, but you don't know that a miracle happened because you were asleep. The next day when you get up what will be different that tells you that a miracle has happened?
There are lots of different and very creative versions of this, a good therapist tailors it to the place, person and problem, its got a wafty hypnotic suggestion in the telling too, to get people imagining themselves in as much detail as possible.
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| What do I need to do? |
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| List 3 things that make it better. |
Question 3
So what are three things you can do that make this situation better?
By now we've got nice and practical and reality based.
It's amazing what wisdom emerges, -blows me away every time. Not a "should" in sight, it's all actionable, -"I want to..."
The next challenge is figuring out how to shift the obstacles on the way to "better". But once the path's set, it focuses the work like nothing else -no time to waste thinking about pilates or what to eat, the mission is declared and we're on our way.
And how do we remove those obstacles?
Well, I'll tell you tomorrow, in the meantime...have a Betta Day.
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