Toxic Boss Syndrome -Part 1: Throwbacks

OK, this post is for Ella and Bella who work at a publishing type joint, and wanted to figure out a Betta Day in their work place.
The details they have furnished are:

1. Their boss was a lousy chaotic manager who never gave clear instructions.
2. He made them waste time by getting them to work on something then saying it was all wrong and having to start again.
3. He ignored their input.
4. He tried to provoke them by creating scenes or embarrassing them with lewd comments.
5. He criticised them in front of other people -clients or colleagues.
6. He gave them too much to do and interrupted them all the time.
7. He was manipulative and seemed to enjoy breaking their confidence.
8. He tried to find their weaknesses.

With Betta Day we try to deal with stuff problem by problem, starting with plotting a path, managing stress and feelings, self esteem and relationships so our subsequent actions can come from the best possible headspace.

Set your path...

Manage your stress...

Manage your feelings...

Manage your story and self-esteem...

Manage your relationships

Manage your actions...

However the overall flavour of this situation is one of being under attack so on the grounds of "safety first" I would tackle the process in reverse. To go one step further this is not a bad situation, it is frankly harmful, and my instinct is to get the hell out. But we'll use it to introduce some interesting ideas so I'll proceed as if the situation is salvageable.

Safety starts with you so we have to check in and think about the impact the attacks could have.

I'm concerned about what kind of material this sort of attack brings up for Ella and Bella, so I want to explore how this situation mixes with their story.

Our story

Our Story
Our story is about who we are and where we've come from.
It can also include what we think we deserve, and our map of how to react to stuff. 

It holds our core beliefs about ourselves which can often be deep and hidden.
Core beliefs can be positive and give us our confidence and a sense of purpose, -but they can also reflect our younger and more vulnerable self.

As children grow up they often think things are their fault, irrationally of course, but hey, they were kids at the time and that was the logical conclusion they drew.

We cope in different ways at different stages of development.

At different ages we have different capacities to deal with the hard stuff.
We start off very vulnerable with limited and pretty primitive defences.
As we grow in size, capability, experience and confidence, that little idea of ourselves gets wrapped in more confident spirals of our older story.

But the vulnerable story is still there and can sometimes uncoil and affect our present.

What do I notice?

Throwback to mover vulnerable time.

Throwbacks

In managing our story we need to notice when we have been thrown back to a more vulnerable time -where we are the little  frightened, ashamed, sad, angry or disappointed child.

• Initially it will happen outside of our awareness. But as we start to tune in, we will notice some signature clues that cluster together.
• It will have a feeling dimension where the quality of the feelings are quite raw, primitive and can easily overwhelm us. 
• There can be a body feeling and a posture, maybe slumped and gaze-avoidant or shy. 
• Even the pattern of thinking will have a certain style to it -panicky, fragmented, muddled...

We also need to notice what triggered the throwback -conflict, criticism, tired, ..?

Solving problems as a tiny overwhelmed child-self doesn't work so well. Apart from anything, it's much harder to stick up for ourselves.
Once you have identified a throwback has happened, the adult part of you has to care and protect this child and reassure them that everything will be OK. Sometimes adults don't understand what children are going through and aren't in a position to comfort them or explain that stuff isn't their fault and that they are beautiful and worthy of love and care. You, however, as the adult-self, are in a unique position to comfort and care for your child-self as you understand them in a very deep way.

What do I need to sort?

Daily habits of coping

Daily habits of coping.

The trick about coping habits is looking at how well they work and then what their cost is?

Knocking back half a bottle of Sav Blanc will work quite well in  reducing stress and tension and making us happier.
It has the cost

• of the bottle, 
• the headache afterwards and the fact that... 
• it probably didn't improve the situation, just took the discomfort away.

There might be a further cost,

• -that the first half of the bottle inspires you to drink the other half of the bottle and then... 
• the guy eyeing you off in the bar doesn't look so bad after all and you stagger home with him.

And the problem at work still isn't resolved.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not knocking sex, drugs or rock'n'roll as an end in themselves, but they can become examples of high-cost coping habits with the potential to have their own knock-on effects.

There's another daily coping habit that smart men and women use, that has the veneer of solving problems, but actually doesn't. That's  OVER-ANALYSING stuff.

Now, with our Toxic Boss scenario the behaviour is, frankly, aggressive, destructive, irresponsible and unprofessional. My advice is it's a terminal situation that's unlikely to remit. (We'll talk about limit setting tomorrow.) It's time to leave.

However, OVER ANALYSING,  as you sit at the bar with your sav banc, initially ignoring the weird guy eyeing you off, gives you the impression that your doing something, when in fact you're not doing much.

It's goes something like this. "He's so insecure...he has [insert name] complex where he has to bring others down to his level...his mother must have [xxx] him as a child..."

This establishes some kind of intellectual superiority which is useful, as it helps counter the sense of vulnerability. It also provides an explanatory model so you can predict the next attack.
But, it's not altering an attacking situation to make it safe enough.
Tomorrow you'll be up against the same behaviour. In a way it sets you up for more abuse without actually doing anything to modify a harmful situation.

My daily coping habit is day dreaming -the retreat of most children:
I think of nice things, nice people, kindness, excitement, being special (as opposed to being trashed in our current scenario).
It's a place of great creativity and comfort. But it comes at a cost of lots of lost time and avoidance where, again, nothing of the difficult situation gets sorted.

What we need to think about is what would a bang -for-buck coping habit look like from your exalted  adult-self?

Don't know? -Then try this.

What I can do.

Exalted adult-self.

Stand up for 2 minutes with arms up in triumph, head back , chest puffed out.
You've just won!
Alternatively hands on hips and powerful. This TED Video by Amy Cuddy is worth watching to explain how this works.

You are an enabled, capable adult who doesn't take any shit. Get right into it and enjoy it.

2 minutes up?

Now, how do you want to cope with this situation, how do you want to revise your story? Write it down.

OK, back to our toxic boss.

Hopefully we have noticed the effects of his attacks on us.

If there is a throwback happening, you, as the kind adult in your life, have cared for you inner vulnerable child, reassured and protected them.

You have sorted out what effective ways you are using to cope with the attack on you, which, in this case is concerted, sustained and comprehensive.

And you have resorted to the mature resources of your exalted adult self to manage your distress at these attacks.

Well done!

Part II  of the Toxic Boss Syndrome where tomorrow we will look at how to manage relationships in the face of TBS.

Hope you have a Betta Day!